Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Fear and trust

Yesterday I received a phone call. The person who called seemed to be hysterical and I could not understand what she was saying, aside from "Jesse is dead."

My mind tried to figure out who the caller was and I came to the quick conclusion that it was my mother, who has not spoken to me for many months. My mind tried to comprehend how it was that she knew my beloved son was dead and wondering at the same split second how he died.

I sputtered different phrases such as "Mom?", "WHO died?", "WHAT?", "Do you need me to come over?"

After what seemed an eternity, I realized that it was NOT my mother calling, it was Jesse's biological mother, Tiffany. She has cerebral palsy and if you do not know how she speaks, she sounds hysterical.

Once I figured out that it was Tiffany, I was able to breath and I asked her "WHO died?" again and she told me that Jesse's grandfather had died.


I have no idea how she got my phone number, we have always gone through an intermediary but the fact that she has my phone number is no big deal...what was the big deal is that I was scared out of my skin for an eternity that lasted perhaps ten seconds.

We talked for a bit - it turns out her father, who Jesse is named after, passed away the week after Easter. She is the executor of his will and he has left her a house.

She told me she wanted Jesse to come and look at the house with her. I said I would pass the information along to Jesse for her.

She told me that "Jesse is clear and level headed."

I jokingly replied..."TIFFANY! He is TWENTY and a MALE!"

She laughed - she got it!

After we talked for a bit we concluded the conversation. I came back to work on the computer and told Gabriel about the phone call. As I spoke the words, "Jesse is dead," I started to cry. I realized that I had not processed that statement as I was trying hard to be someone who was helping someone else and not involved in dealing with a statement I heard and tried to make sense of.

The fear that all parents have is the injury or God help me, the death of one of their children. I have already had two children die, my intercessors, Michelle and Matthew; and I call on them often to help keep my boys safe from harm.

Yesterday's words - the words I thought I heard are words that I pray God I never hear.

Fear - Lord, I pray you cast out my fears. I pray for complete trust in YOU.

1 comment:

Macile Hooper LeJeune said...

Lee Anne, these words ... the words I thought I heard are words that I pray God I never hear. Fear - Lord, I pray you cast out my fears. I pray for complete trust in YOU.

Are what I have been dreading for weeks. And I say a prayer every night ... Be Not Afraid; and even, Jesus, I trust in you; and ... still I was dreading so much each phone call. For some reason today, I am at ease.
Talked to Trudy; Ricki is no better but no worse. I think she is talking about his physical appearance ... not if the bacteria is coming on more; staying the same; or they are getting rid of it. I have heard from so many folks who have had this (we all carry it in our nose, I was told ... and the website confirmed that.)
Merci, ma cherie; for this entry. Now I do know ... this happened to you ... but again, like you often say ... it is a GOD-incidence in my life as well as yours. xxoo