Sunday, February 03, 2008

A Storm Brewed

I volunteer for a post abortive healing ministry called Rachel's Vineyard. The program was designed by Dr. Theresa Burke, who realized, in her training as a counselor, that many of the women who had eating disorders were also post abortive. Her supervisor at the time told her to stay away from the issue of abortion and stick to the issue that she was facilitating at the time - eating disorders.

Well - come to find out that eating disorders, sleeplessness, nightmares, suicidal thoughts (suicide itself), substance abuse, anxiety, broken relationships, low self-esteem, guilt, depression, despair, self-destructive behavior, sexual problems, no joy in other's pregnancies are some of the trauma that women DO feel and MAY go through after an abortion.

I had no counseling after my abortion at sixteen weeks gestational age of my baby. I delved into alcohol, illegal drugs and my self esteem plummeted to an all time low.

Did I recognize that my behavior was from my abortion? Not at the time; but now, after having gone through a Rachel's Vineyard retreat weekend which began my healing of my abortion, I realize that many of my behaviors were due to my abortion.

After all, I had done the unthinkable. I had been passive towards the child in my womb when my parents said that I would be taken for an abortion. I had not fought like a mother should fight for her unborn - I had permitted the abortion to take place.

The unthinkable...that's what I did.

Many of the demons that run around in my head, stopping from time to time, to jump up and down are from my abortion experience.

My parents could not love my child because he was conceived out of wedlock. They could not love me because my behavior was behavior that they disapproved of. Instead, they went for a quick fix - they tried to hide the fact that I was pregnant by disposing of my child.

Today I speak out and up - I am estranged from my mother (my dad passed away) and my siblings because I speak out and up.

I am estranged because I refuse not to help others know that there is a better way to deal with a pregnancy that is not, in our way of thinking, at the perfect time. I know that nothing happens without God - and that God's timing for my pregnancy was perfect.

How my family and I reacted to the pregnancy is where we failed - God did not fail us. He was there, waiting for us to make the right choice - the right decision regarding this new life He had entrusted to me.

I failed, as did my parents.

But today I do not fail in my opposition to abortion. I do not fail in my speaking out - and up - even at the cost of my family shunning me for my openess.

So - how did the storm brew? Well, the last post I wrote was about the demons I have.

Shortly after writing the post, I received a phone call telling me that my 90 year old mother had fallen and split her head open. My friend, who thanks be to God, had been passing my mother's home, witnessed the incident. They had called the ambulance and my friend called me to let me know that they were on the way to the hospital.

My mother, who had not spoken to me since before Christmas was in need of my assistance - not medical - but familial.

I had a very tough decision to make - my whole being wanted to shun her, as she has shunned me for over a year now. My whole body wanted just to crawl into bed and cry - cry for the loss of a relationship, cry for the desire to once again be in good with my family.

My soul, though, cried out to God - for in all things I want to be pleasing to Him. I want to obey Him and His commands and His Will for my life.

I dried my tears, and left our home and went to be by my mother's side in the Emergency Room. My friend rode in the ambulance with her and when we reached the hospital at the same time, she was Christ to me, hugging me, telling me how much she loved me and both of us praised God for her having been there at the right time.

Our greatest concern was that my mother, who last April in a fall, had broken her neck, had re-broken it. Thanks be to God, that was not the case. My mother's x-rays and ct scans were all normal and so she had two staples put into the crown of her head and I drove her home.

She, as of yesterday's report, is fine - little worse for the wear.

I too, am fine. I praise God that I do desire to do what is right in His Eyes, even if others do not wish to do the same for in the end, in the midst of the storm, we are alone with Him.


Christine said...

You are doing fine Sissy. HUGS!

butch said...

I praise God that I do desire to do what is right in His Eyes.

Soooo that is why I continue to include Teri in family matters; and if she chose not to participate, I have done ... 'what is right in GOD's eyes'.

Thia is such a soulful entry. May our Sweet Jesus and HIS Blessed Mother Mary ... keep us all in their arms ... until we go home.
Cajun Sissy

MAGS said...

dear sister
reading the blog is like sitting with you and having a cup of tea ; we did that so often ... my dear sister and friend for the last 10 years now we have been so close.
i love what you write here; keep up the good work.
just me..